NEW RELEASE! Improving Family Communication

I am exited to announce the release my fifth book, Improving Family Communication: 16 FHE Lessons on Christlike Communication. I had such a positive response to some FHE lessons I posted here on my blog about basic communication skills, I decided to expand on that idea and put them all in a book. There are lessons on eye contact, conflict management, listening, verbal communication, mental health, and more.

Don't you love the cover? The artwork is by a friend, Jeff Byrd. He did a fabulous job!

Currently Improving Family Communication is an ebook, but will soon be available in hard copy. The publishing of this book is a goal I have been working on for the past year, so I am excited to see it come to fruition.

Michaela Stephens of Scriptorium Bloggorium recently posted a great review, so if you are interested in learning more follow the link!

How to Get Your Kids to Listen

I have been blessed with three amazing kids. They are certainly not perfect, but they do a great job in school, at home, and at church. There are times I have to repeat myself because they are distracted, or because they may not like what I am asking, but getting them to listen and follow through works better with a few tips and tricks. Maybe they will work for you, too.

1. Limit What You Say

Sometimes as a mom I find myself getting into long diatribes or lectures explaining over and over again why something needs to be done. If there is a chore or activity that needs to happen on a regular basis, this can be an easy trap for parents to fall into. Kids know what is needed and will tune out parents who go on and on. Instead of diving into another full on explanation of what needs to be done, just give one reminder word or phrase. For example, instead of saying, "It's time for scripture study. Get in here now so we don't make your brother late for school," just say, "Scripture time!"

2. Explain the Consequences

Because the human brain is not fully developed until the early 20's, often kids do not foresee consequences of their actions. As the parent, explaining what can happen as a result of poor behavior can help kids to listen--especially if you have firsthand experience. For even littler kids, you may need to show consequences. For example, when my oldest repeatedly climbed up on the kitchen table (despite my repeated, "No!"), I gave up talking and put him in the play pen (which he disliked) to show him a consequence. After five or six times of being removed from the table and placed straight into the play pen, he stopped his climbing.

3. Let Them Be Part of the Decision

Agency is such an important part of growing up. If you take away too much of it, kids will sneak and cheat. The better way is to let you kids participate in some of the decision process. My middle child is getting older and we are needing to let her have some more freedoms. Now that school is out she wants to stay out late nearly every night of the week, which really does not work for me or her dad. We had a discussion with her explaining how her late hours was impacting us as parents. After listening to her side of things, we have set new summer guidelines, which she has supported. Involving her has helped get her cooperation.

4. Name Feelings

When kids are crying or throwing a tantrum they are trying to draw attention to their needs. I have found when I take the time to listen and state back what is being expressed, my kids calm down faster. For example, when my youngest complains to me, crying, about not getting a turn on the iPad, it is easy to fall into the trap of telling her not to cry or to yell at the sibling. But over the years I have learned it is better to say, "You seem sad and frustrated," and then follow up with, "What would you like to do?" This way they feel heard and have a choice about what to do about their feelings.

5. Eye Contact

Sometimes I act pretty distracted as a mom, which makes my kids think they can slide things by me pretty easily. However, when I can get their full attention--pause the movie, put down the phone, turn down the music--and speak to them with direct eye contact, then I get better results. At times a written list or note may have to suffice, but eye contact works well.

Five Phrases to Help Diffuse an Argument

In relationships conflicts can pop up at any time; however, handling conflict in public, or in front of children, generally leads to poor outcomes. As a result, there are times when it is important to diffuse an argument long enough to handle it more effectively in private. Here are five things you can say to help keep harsh words at bay:

 

1. "You've got a point."
Say this when someone has a complaint or is critical, especially of your behavior. Even if you do not feel their opinion is 100% accurate, you could likely honestly concede there is some truth to it. Remember, we all have blind spots. Similarly, you could also use the phrase, "I could be wrong."

2. "Ouch."
Sounds silly, I know. But really, if someone makes a particularly personal, hurtful comment, saying, "Ouch," is a great way to respond without attacking them back.

3. "I need some time to think about that."
If someone is asking you a question (or for permission) you don't want to answer in public, this is an ideal response. It buys time, is tactful, and helps the other person see they need to give you some space.

4. "What do you think about _________?"
Ask questions about the issue they are concerned about, use good eye contact, and rephrase back what they are saying to be sure you understand. Showing an interest in the other person's thoughts and opinions is often enough in itself to help diffuse arguments. When people feel heard--truly listened to--they are generally calmer.

5. "Let's Google it."
So many arguments can be solved by finding reliable information or research. Even if it is a relationship issue (or something opinion-based), professional opinions are all over the internet and can be helpful. And, by saying "let's" you remind the other person of your desire to work with them, rather than against.

How to Communicate Well

Relationships are hard. No surprise in that, right? Sometimes figuring out how to maneuver through relationships means dialing in on the basics of communication.

Several years ago a co-worker taught me a formula (based on James 1:19) for improving communication. Ever since I have taught it to my students each semester as a way to summarize a semester of learning. The formula reads like this:

Q2L + S2S + S2A = GR8 COMMS

 

Translated: Quick to Listen + Slow to Speak + Slow To Anger = Great Communication
 

Q2L: Stop talking, or trying to decide what you will say next, and listen to others. Listen with your eyes, your ears, and your heart. Listen with empathy. Be in the moment.

S2S: Rushing to speak often gets us in trouble. Slow down and think about the impact your words might have on others. Choose wisely and choose to speak with compassion.

S2A: Anger overrides most other emotions. When we let anger take over, we stop listening and forget to have empathy. Recognizing our triggers and learning to stay in control can eliminate numerous relationship problems.

So that's the formula. If you are having a relationship problem, it could very well be one of these components is missing in your communication style. Focus on what you can control or change about yourself, rather than on the behavior of others. As you work to improve your own skill level, communication and interpersonal relationships will improve.

Family Night: Improving Family Communication 4

Note: May is Mental Health Month. To help increase awareness of mental health and mental illness, I thought a family night discussion might be beneficial. Like so many other families out there, mental illness has had a direct impact on me and my loved ones. This lesson is part of a series written to promote improvement of communication in the home. You can see an earlier lesson here and here. Want to receive notification of future lessons to be posted in this series? Like my Facebook page.

 

Mental Health Awareness

Purpose: To help family members be aware of and better understand the impact of mental health on communication at home.

Scripture: “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people” (Alma 7:11; emphasis added).

Thought: “When conditions affect functioning in school, employment, church, or relationships it is time to seek help” (Dean E. Barley).[1]

Key Term: Mental Health – “Emotional and spiritual resilience that enables us to enjoy life and survive pain, disappointment, and sadness. It is a positive sense of well-being and an underlying belief in our own and other’s self-worth.”[2]

Lesson: In 1971 poet Emma Lou Thayne and composer Joleen Meredith were asked to write a closing musical number for a Young Women’s conference. Emma Lou called Joleen and over the phone the hymn “Where Can I Turn for Peace?” came together. “We determined this was a mental illness hymn,” Joleen noted. “Emma . . . was struggling with the mental illness of one of her daughters at the time this was written, and I was struggling myself personally with mental illness. And so we lovingly call it ‘The Mental Illness Hymn.’” Sisters Thayne and Meredith themselves found comfort in knowing the Savior, “He, only one,” understood their challenges.[3]

Mental illness occurs in approximately one in four individuals and can take many forms, including depression, ADHD, anxiety, eating disorders, and schizophrenia, among others. Because mental illness often impacts perception, it can significantly complicate our ability to communicate with others. Working to develop patient listening and verbal communication skills in the home can help to improve interpersonal relationships. Specifically, controlling tone of voice, making good word choices, and practicing self-care can enhance are essential.

Often those who struggle with mental health have difficulty finding inner peace. “Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came,” taught Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. “It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive.”[4]

Activity: Hand out the lyrics to “Where Can I Turn for Peace?” and sing the hymn to open family night. After introducing the lesson, show a video of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the same hymn. After the video, ask family members to share parts of the lyrics they like. Note: if needed, define the word ‘solace’ as meaning comfort or consolation.

For Little Ones: Gather together items (bandages, tongue depressor, sling, etc.) that can be used to play a pretend game of doctor. Have little ones pretend to have a broken arm, a bad cut, or some other obvious sickness, while a parent or older child plays the role of doctor. After “treating” these pretend obvious illnesses, explain that some people have disabilities that cannot be seen. Mental (explain this means in the brain) illnesses, although less obvious, still have symptoms causing pain, distress, and sadness.

Challenge: Many mental illnesses begin to manifest at a young age. As with all serious illnesses, the sooner people get help and treatment, the better the outcome. Use a reliable reference guide to look up common symptoms of various mental illnesses and review these as a family.

Suggested Music: “Where Can I Turn for Peace?” (Hymns no. 129) or “I Feel My Savior’s Love” (CS p. 74).

---

[1] As quoted in: Lisa Ann Jackson Thomson, “Know the Signs,” BYU Magazine, Spring 2017, 24

[2] Health Education Authority, UK, 1997.

[3] “Where Can I Turn for Peace?” History of Hymns, Episode 18, http://broadcast.lds.org/ldsradio/pdf/history-of-hymns/history-of-hymns-ep-18.pdf.

[4] Jeffrey R. Holland, “Like a Broken Vessel,” Ensign, Nov. 2013, 41

Family Night: Improving Family Communication 3

Note: Many of you know I teach communication classes at two local colleges. I love my subject matter and have greatly benefitted personally from it. I believe there are many families who could use the information I teach to better improve their relationships at home. In response to this belief, I have created a series of family night lessons that focus on various aspects of communication. The following lesson focuses on civility. You can see an earlier lesson here and here. Want to receive notification of future lessons to be posted in this series? Like my Facebook page.

Civility

Purpose: To encourage family members to treat one another with love and civility.

Scripture: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:31–32).

Thought: “Imagine the cumulative effect if we treated each other with respect and acceptance, if we willingly provided support. Such interactions practiced on a small scale would surely have a rippling effect throughout our homes and communities” (Gordon B. Hinckley).[1]

Key Term: Civility – Polite, reasonable, and respectful behavior and speech.

Lesson: Christlike communication uses both kindness and confidence. In other words, we need to communicate with civility—with compassion, respect, and humility. President Gordon B. Hinckley learned the necessity of civility as a child when he and some friends once made rude remarks to an African American family passing down the street. President Hinckley’s mother overheard the comments and immediately began to lecture them. “She gave us to understand, in no uncertain terms, that among the peoples of the earth there is neither inferiority nor superiority; that we are all sons and daughters of God and therefore sisters and brothers with each other; and that we have an obligation to respect and help one another.”[2]

As the root of the word “civilization,” to treat others with civility is to invoke the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (see Matt. 7:12). The scriptures counsel us to “let all bitterness, … and anger, … and evil speaking, be put away” (Ephesians 4:31). This would include vulgarity, criticism, blame, and dishonesty—all of which are uncivil. There may be need at times for correction and counsel of other’s words; however, this should always be tempered by love. Christlike communication in the home will help us to develop loving, eternal relationships that are a reflection of heaven on earth.

Activity: Blow up five balloons, draw faces on them, and assign names to each. Inside the balloons include a note of what the person is really like on the inside. Present the balloon people and have family members describe how they appear on the outside. Pop the balloons and read the inside note. Discuss what assumptions we might have made about each. Would we have treated them with greater civility had we known?[3]

For Little Ones: Play a game of Mother May I. Use the game to teach your little ones to use please and thank you, and to treat people with kindness (even if they lose the game).

Challenge: Watch the four-minute video “The Civility Experiment”[4] and discuss the woman’s experience with the homeless man. Ask, “Where does civility come from?” and “How can we learn to look at people in a way that promotes civility?” Set a goal to treat others with greater civility in the upcoming week.

Suggested Music: “Have I Done Any Good?” (Hymns no. 223) or “Kindness Begins with Me” (CS p. 145).

---

[1] Hinckley, Gordon B., Standing for Something: Ten Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes. New York: Times, 2000, 50.

[2] Ibid., 47.

[3] Thompson, Shauna. "A ‘popping’ Back-to-school Family Home Evening." Sugardoodle.net, 7 Aug. 2010. Web. 20 July 2016.

[4] https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2011-04-008-the-civility-experiment

Family Night: Improving Family Communication 2

Note: Many of you know I teach communication classes at two local colleges. I love my subject matter and have greatly benefitted personally from it. I believe there are many families who could use the information I teach to better improve their relationships at home. In response to this belief, I have created a series of family night lessons that focus on various aspects of communication. The following lesson focuses on building a positive self-concept. You can see an earlier lesson here. Want to receive notification of future lessons to be posted in this series? Like my Facebook page.

Building a Positive Self-Concept

Purpose: To help individuals understand the importance and influence of self-concept on communication.

Scripture: “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God” (Romans 8:16).

Thought: “The dignity of self is greatly enhanced by looking upward in the search for holiness. Like the giant trees, we should reach up for the light. The most important source of light we can come to know is the gift of the Holy Ghost. It is the source of inner strength and peace” (James E. Faust).[2]

Key Term: Self-concept – Idea or mental image one has of their own strengths, weaknesses, characteristics, and personality.

Lesson: Heavenly Father wants us to understand we are His children; it is one of the most fundamental doctrines of His gospel. The scriptures teach, “For in him we live, and move, and have our being; . . . For we are also his offspring” (Acts 17:28). A true understanding of our heavenly heritage is not only essential to our eternal salvation, but it also helps us to develop an accurate, healthy self-concept.

The self-concept is built during our younger, formative years and is relatively stable thereafter. It is influenced by a number of factors, including:

·         Other’s opinions of you (as expressed verbally and non-verbally).

·         Comparisons we make with others (including what is seen in media).

·         Cultural teachings.

·         Self-evaluations of our own behavior.[1]

Jesus said that we should love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39), implying the need for a healthy self-image. When we feel positive about ourselves, it is reflected in our communication with others; we are more upbeat, encouraging, and helpful. We are better able to love and serve those around us. Conversely, those with a negative self-concept are not only critical of their own actions, but often exhibit pessimistic, off-putting behavior toward others.

The self-concept can be strengthened by: 1.) Get to know yourself better; understand your strengths, weaknesses, talents, and potential; 2.) Set and work toward realistic goals to track progression and growth; 3.) Make home a warm, comfortable environment where love, appreciation, and affirmation take priority; and 4.)  Take time to learn and study gospel principles related to our divine nature. President James E. Faust stated, “May we all have a feeling of personal worth and dignity born of the knowledge that each of us is a child of God, and be strengthened by looking upwards in the pursuit of holiness.”[2]

Activity: Use scratch paper or note cards to write down a wide variety of words often used to describe personalities (about five per person; this website has a list of over 600). Before giving the lesson, spread the note cards out for everyone to see. Have each family member choose and share three they feel best describes themselves. Explain that this image we each have of ourselves is called the self-concept.

For Little Ones: Every child loves to hear the story of how they were born or came into the family. Take time to retell each child’s birth/adoption story, including how their name was chosen. Look at a few photographs of each newborn. Emphasize the positive feelings of love and excitement of welcoming a new member of the family, as well as the eternal nature of their existence.

Challenge: Emory University researchers have found family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help individuals understand who they are in the world. As a result, learning more about family history can strengthen self-concept and increase our ability to achieve desired goals.[3] Take time this week to tell favorite family stories. Be sure to include both those from current and past family members. You may also choose to browse through family photographs or other mementos as a way to share family history and values.

Suggested Music: “O My Father” (Hymns no. 292) or “I Am a Child of God” (Hymns no. 301).

---

[1] McCornack and Ortiz, Choices and Connections: An Introduction to Communication, Bedford/St. Martin's, 2014.

[2] James E. Faust, “The Dignity of Self,” Ensign, May 1981, 10.

[3] Robyn Fivush et al, “Do You Know? The power of family history in adolescent identity and well-being,” Journal of Family Life, 23 Feb. 2010.

 

 

Family Night: Improving Family Communication

Note: Many of you know I teach communication classes at two local colleges. I love my subject matter and have greatly benefitted personally from it. I believe there are many families who could use the information I teach to better improve their relationships at home. In response to this belief, I have created a series of family night lessons that focus on various aspects of communication. The following lesson focuses on verbal communication. Want to receive notification of future lessons to be posted in this series? Like my Facebook page. If you have a specific communication need you would like to see in lesson form, let me know in a comment. Enjoy!

Verbal Communication

Purpose: To encourage effective, Christlike communication in the home.

Scripture: “Therefore, strengthen your brethren in all your conversation, in all your prayers, in all your exhortations, and in all your doings” (D&C 108:7).

Thought: “If we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us” (Mark Ogletree).[1]

Key Term: Communication – “Communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns.”[2]

Lesson: A young mother had the habit of watching television during the bedtime hour. Exhausted from the day’s activities, she felt torn between talking with and caring for her children and taking personal time to enjoy her shows. While pondering the problem, the mother made the decision to turn off the television and make time to talk with her children. “After about two weeks of leaving the television off, I felt a burden somehow lifted. I realized I felt better, even cleaner somehow, and I knew I had made the right choice.”[3]

Conversation is central to family relationships. It is an indicator of how close family members are, as well as the means for developing that closeness, encourage teamwork, and promote problem solving. Without communication, relationships fumble and fade. As a result, keeping an open dialogue—genuine two-way interaction—between family members is crucial. However, talking together does not always come easily. As Rosemary Wixom taught, “It takes time to focus on the things that matter most. Talking, listening, and encouraging do not happen quickly. They cannot be rushed or scheduled—they happen best along the way.”[4]

Following the Principle of Cooperation[5] while talking can help family members communicate effectively:

1.      Be Clear – communicate in a straightforward manner; avoid ambiguity. Ask directly for what you need.

2.      Be Relevant – talk about what is related to the conversation at hand. Do not jump topics too quickly.

3.      Be Honest – present only information known or assumed to be truthful; do not lie or exaggerate.

4.      Be Informative – give neither too little nor too much information; get to the point in a timely manner. Be willing to share additional information if asked.

5.      Be Positive – check thoughts before speaking; strive to uplift, encourage, and inspire. Being continuously negative or critical often leads to conflict.

Activity: Come up with a secret code (e.g., reversed words, read only every other letter, PigPen code, etc.) and have family members encode positive messages to each other. Let each person decode their messages. Use this as an attention-getter to lead into discussing the importance of effective communication.

 

For Little Ones: Have each child choose a favorite fairy tale, storybook, or scripture story (this video story of The 3 Billy Goats would work well). Read, watch, or re-tell the story, then discuss how effective the communication was among the characters. Ask how the characters could have improved their communication. Use each of the Principle of Cooperation points as guidelines.

Challenge: Discuss strategies for bettering family dialogue overall. Select one of the five characteristics of the Principle of Cooperation to improve on in the upcoming week.

Suggested Music: “Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words” (Hymns no. 232) or “If the Savior Stood Beside Me” (available for download on lds.org, or see October 1993 Friend Magazine).

See a different communication lesson here.

---

[1] Mark Ogletree, “Speak, Listen and Love,” Ensign, February 2014, 15.

[2] Marvin J. Ashton, “Family Communications,” Ensign, May 1976, 52.

[3] Susan Heaton, “Talk Time Instead of TV Time,” Ensign, Oct. 1998, 73.

[4] Rosemary M. Wixom, “Taking Time to Talk and Listen,” Ensign, April 2012, 10.

[5] Adapted from Lindblom, K., “Cooperating with Grice: A cross-disciplinary metaperspective on uses of Grice’s cooperative principle,” Journal of Pragmatics, 2001, 33:1601.