Teens and Social Media

Just a few ramblings in response to a recent article published in Deseret News, which gives in-depth information on teens and media usage. The article reports, "Today, 95 percent of teens have a smartphone, and 88 percent have a desktop or laptop computer." These numbers are huge! And the end result is a varied, but widespread, impact on the rising generation.

Here are some of the problems that are often associated with the usage of social media:

1. Poor time management skills - Who hasn't been sucked into the never ending world of surfing Instagram or Facebook? It is addicting and an excellent way to waste time.

2. Mental health issues - Those who post to social media tend to put forth their best life. I get it--I would not want anyone to see the muckiness of my life either. However, the end result is that users of social media constantly see and compare themselves to other's best (but incomplete) lives. Ultimately this has a negative impact on the self, self-worth, and self-concept.

3. Fake news - Unfortunately, Russians aren't the only ones out there writing fake news articles, posting links to click bait, or trying to mislead users. The amount of false information on the internet is pretty astounding. And it can be challenging to be sure what we are reading is true.

4. Bullying - The disconnect and anonymity of posting on the internet somehow makes some users feel that civility isn't needed. Others purposefully post flaming comments intended to be rude and to rile up the emotions of readers. The ensuing bullying has been painful, not to mention deadly, to many users.

Seeing these statistics, and the negative results of too much social media usage, it is no wonder President Nelson asked LDS teens to do a seven day social media fast. Their world seems to be immersed in technology! Taking time away from social media, even just a week, has its benefits.

My daughters both participated in the fast. My younger daughter said she has realized there is no reason to be continuously checking her Instagram account--there are other things to do that are a better use of her time. She read more, hung out with friends (many of whom were also doing the fast), painted, and played games.

My older daughter noted that she also found other more productive things to do. "I check it a lot less now," she responded when asked. Hopefully the change will be lasting!

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If you are interested in helping your family improve their communication skills because you have seen the negative impact of too much social media or screen time, check out my latest book Improving Family Communication. Available on Amazon!

NEW RELEASE! Improving Family Communication

I am exited to announce the release my fifth book, Improving Family Communication: 16 FHE Lessons on Christlike Communication. I had such a positive response to some FHE lessons I posted here on my blog about basic communication skills, I decided to expand on that idea and put them all in a book. There are lessons on eye contact, conflict management, listening, verbal communication, mental health, and more.

Don't you love the cover? The artwork is by a friend, Jeff Byrd. He did a fabulous job!

Currently Improving Family Communication is an ebook, but will soon be available in hard copy. The publishing of this book is a goal I have been working on for the past year, so I am excited to see it come to fruition.

Michaela Stephens of Scriptorium Bloggorium recently posted a great review, so if you are interested in learning more follow the link!

Using a Soft Tone

Communication has three components: verbal, nonverbal, and nonlexical. This third component, nonlexical, consists of the vocal, but nonverbal, aspects of speaking, including intonation, pitch and speed of speaking, hesitation noises, etc.

One of the nonlexical areas I struggle with is using a soft tone of voice when I get irritated or upset. Using the right tone of voice is critical because many studies show it directly correlates with how interpersonal interactions turn out. One study has shown it takes five positive interactions to make up for one instance where a negative tone of voice was used. That's a hard ratio to keep up with if you struggle like me.

Researchers have also proven individuals tend to mimic back communication styles used. If I whisper to you, you are likely to whisper back. (Although you might ask, “Why are we whispering?”) And if I speak with a snark, my kids might get snarky back. So an adverse tone of voice may result in an escalation of nonconstructive conversation at home or elsewhere simply because of this mimic effect.

So what can you do to help ensure you use the right tone of voice? Here are three tips:

1. Be mindful.

Just being aware is half the battle. It’s when I am distracted and not thinking about what I am saying I end up using the wrong tone of voice and in trouble. I try to slow down and actively think about the purpose of my conversations and to remind myself of the need for positive outcomes. Relationships are always more important than resources or things, so keeping this in mind helps me to stay focused and use a positive tone.

2. Try whispering.

Because people often mimic back tone of voice, and because emotion is contagious, I have found speaking softly by literally whispering works well. Whispering is less reactive because it doesn’t usually carry a strong threat. And often it gets the other person to listen more closely. If you don't want to whisper, just lowering your volume to soft helps too.

3.  Take a time out.

For me, losing control of my tone of voice is a symptom that my emotions are running high. And it is generally not a good idea to communicate with others when emotions are out of control. To get myself some time to gain control I will tell the other person I need to think about things and ask if we can talk more about it later. Then I can come back later using a reasonable and assertive communication style.

Hopefully as we practice being mindful, and using other strategies to keep our tone soft we can have greater success in our families. May your positive communication build great relationships!

Gospel Solutions for Families

I recently noticed a series of videos on the Mormon Channel on YouTube called Gospel Solutions for Families. The series addresses relationship, communication, and gospel living issues faced by families and tries to offer practical solutions from experienced professionals. Each episode is about 20-30 minutes in length. Here is one of their episodes about how maintaining the marriage relationship helps benefit parenting. I think this discussion would benefit so many families. Enjoy!

Book Review: When We Don't See Eye to Eye

I picked this book up off of the clearance table at Seagull Book a six weeks ago, interested to see what it had to say about conflict. The topic fits right in with what I teach in my communication classes, and I was eager to read a more detailed LDS perspective on the subject. Plus, I have not felt the textbooks I teach from offer students enough tools to use in this area.

When We Don't See Eye to Eye turned out to be enlightening and helpful.

Pulsipher's writing style is easy to follow and engaging considering the nonfiction topic. He has several good personal stories he tells, as well as a great one I had never heard about from one of the apostles. I never found myself bored while reading--but I did need to take time to really digest. In fact, there are some parts of this book I want to re-read to make sure I've really grasped the concepts.

I particularly liked Pulsipher's cyclical model for conflict and his relation of it to gospel principles. Basically, he says there are three ways to respond to conflict: the first way is to give in (telestial response), the second is to try and strike back (terrestrial), and the third is to assertively, lovingly point out the problem (celestial). Pulsipher cites several stories from the New Testament showing Christ's utilization of assertive love, and provides great insight I was unaware of previously.

If you are a communication nerd like me, I highly recommend this book. There is a lot to learn. I would love to find a way to teach some of these concepts to my teens... maybe I will have to come up with a FHE lesson I can post here in the future.

Book Blurb:
"We may find ourselves at the center of the turbulence or watching from the sidelines. But regardless of the consistency, intensity, or proximity of anger and aggression in our lives, most of us share a common handicap—our greatest resource, the weapon of love, remains either sheathed or only timidly employed . . . Conflict and contention are among the more undesirable—and unavoidable—characteristics of human nature. While it is within our power to control our own actions and attitudes, how can we encourage those around us to break the cycle of anger and negativity? Learn to limit others’ negative power by wielding a weapon stronger than hate or greed or fear or malice—the weapon of love. Author J. David Pulsipher encourages readers to take a Christ-centered approach to negativity with a comprehensive look at how conflict arises, how human nature distorts conflict, and how to use love as a force against anger."

5 Tips for Developing a Synergized Family

I wrote this article for Deseret News back in 2011. I thought I'd re-post it here as a backup. Enjoy!

In 2008 the New York Giants were not supposed to win the Super Bowl. The undefeated New England Patriots were considered the favorite team. But after the dust settled, the Giants were the first wild card team to take home the trophy. What happened to tip the scales in their favor? Some analysts feel the Giants were able to synergize their determination and talents to beat the odds.

In today’s society, families appear to face odds similar to the New York Giants. Drugs, pornography, and numerous other hurdles make raising children particularly difficult. How can parents lead their family to the same kind of success? Here are five practical ideas to help parents overcome the odds and develop a synergized family.

1. Increase Family Interaction: Communication is essential for family success because it enables family members to share thoughts and opinions, make decisions, solve problems, and develop interpersonal relationships. And the best way to heighten communication is to increase family interaction. Cutting back on individual activities in favor of family time, eating meals together as a family, having a family night, and scheduling regular family vacations are some of the best ways to increase interaction.

2. Establish a Common Goal: Unity in any group is usually based on the desire for a shared purpose. Whether it is called a goal, objective, purpose, or vision, parents can increase family synergy and unity by frequently discussing what it is they want their family to achieve in life. Making a family goal board, for example, is one way the Neujhar family has worked to instill greater unity and purpose.  (Find instructions for making your own family goal board here – link to http://embracingmyjourney.com/family-goal-board.html.)

3. Recognize Interdependence: Family members are affected and influenced by the actions of each other. A successful, cohesive family teaches every member to be responsible for doing his or her part. And that failure for doing one’s part can adversely impact the rest of the family.

One of the best ways to help family members to recognize interdependence is to teach cooperation and teamwork by playing together. Jeff Spiers, father of four from Englewood, Colorado, expresses it this way: “My boys learn it on their baseball teams. When a throw is bad from short to first, the first baseman offers encouragement. In this way, the boys help coach each other and learn their reliance on each other.”

4. Work Together: Physical and mental efforts required to work together to accomplish something can be one of the more rewarding ways to synergize a family. As a child growing up I remember many family work projects that brought our family closer together. One of my favorites was an annual service project setting up luminarias on our street on Christmas Eve. The sense of accomplishment we felt as a family when all the candles were lit was incredibly rewarding.

5. Demonstrate Love and Compassion: Unity and synergy in the family rely heavily on individual members feeling as though they are understood and loved despite their personal flaws. Use kind words, caring tones, and a gentle touch. Look for opportunities to praise one another, even when behavior is not exemplary. And, if children are whiny and complaining, take time to actively listen to them and restate back their reasons for feeling frustrated. Acting with love, patience, and compassion toward each other builds the long-lasting positive atmosphere required for successful family life.

How to Get Your Kids to Listen

I have been blessed with three amazing kids. They are certainly not perfect, but they do a great job in school, at home, and at church. There are times I have to repeat myself because they are distracted, or because they may not like what I am asking, but getting them to listen and follow through works better with a few tips and tricks. Maybe they will work for you, too.

1. Limit What You Say

Sometimes as a mom I find myself getting into long diatribes or lectures explaining over and over again why something needs to be done. If there is a chore or activity that needs to happen on a regular basis, this can be an easy trap for parents to fall into. Kids know what is needed and will tune out parents who go on and on. Instead of diving into another full on explanation of what needs to be done, just give one reminder word or phrase. For example, instead of saying, "It's time for scripture study. Get in here now so we don't make your brother late for school," just say, "Scripture time!"

2. Explain the Consequences

Because the human brain is not fully developed until the early 20's, often kids do not foresee consequences of their actions. As the parent, explaining what can happen as a result of poor behavior can help kids to listen--especially if you have firsthand experience. For even littler kids, you may need to show consequences. For example, when my oldest repeatedly climbed up on the kitchen table (despite my repeated, "No!"), I gave up talking and put him in the play pen (which he disliked) to show him a consequence. After five or six times of being removed from the table and placed straight into the play pen, he stopped his climbing.

3. Let Them Be Part of the Decision

Agency is such an important part of growing up. If you take away too much of it, kids will sneak and cheat. The better way is to let you kids participate in some of the decision process. My middle child is getting older and we are needing to let her have some more freedoms. Now that school is out she wants to stay out late nearly every night of the week, which really does not work for me or her dad. We had a discussion with her explaining how her late hours was impacting us as parents. After listening to her side of things, we have set new summer guidelines, which she has supported. Involving her has helped get her cooperation.

4. Name Feelings

When kids are crying or throwing a tantrum they are trying to draw attention to their needs. I have found when I take the time to listen and state back what is being expressed, my kids calm down faster. For example, when my youngest complains to me, crying, about not getting a turn on the iPad, it is easy to fall into the trap of telling her not to cry or to yell at the sibling. But over the years I have learned it is better to say, "You seem sad and frustrated," and then follow up with, "What would you like to do?" This way they feel heard and have a choice about what to do about their feelings.

5. Eye Contact

Sometimes I act pretty distracted as a mom, which makes my kids think they can slide things by me pretty easily. However, when I can get their full attention--pause the movie, put down the phone, turn down the music--and speak to them with direct eye contact, then I get better results. At times a written list or note may have to suffice, but eye contact works well.

Five Phrases to Help Diffuse an Argument

In relationships conflicts can pop up at any time; however, handling conflict in public, or in front of children, generally leads to poor outcomes. As a result, there are times when it is important to diffuse an argument long enough to handle it more effectively in private. Here are five things you can say to help keep harsh words at bay:

 

1. "You've got a point."
Say this when someone has a complaint or is critical, especially of your behavior. Even if you do not feel their opinion is 100% accurate, you could likely honestly concede there is some truth to it. Remember, we all have blind spots. Similarly, you could also use the phrase, "I could be wrong."

2. "Ouch."
Sounds silly, I know. But really, if someone makes a particularly personal, hurtful comment, saying, "Ouch," is a great way to respond without attacking them back.

3. "I need some time to think about that."
If someone is asking you a question (or for permission) you don't want to answer in public, this is an ideal response. It buys time, is tactful, and helps the other person see they need to give you some space.

4. "What do you think about _________?"
Ask questions about the issue they are concerned about, use good eye contact, and rephrase back what they are saying to be sure you understand. Showing an interest in the other person's thoughts and opinions is often enough in itself to help diffuse arguments. When people feel heard--truly listened to--they are generally calmer.

5. "Let's Google it."
So many arguments can be solved by finding reliable information or research. Even if it is a relationship issue (or something opinion-based), professional opinions are all over the internet and can be helpful. And, by saying "let's" you remind the other person of your desire to work with them, rather than against.

How to Communicate Well

Relationships are hard. No surprise in that, right? Sometimes figuring out how to maneuver through relationships means dialing in on the basics of communication.

Several years ago a co-worker taught me a formula (based on James 1:19) for improving communication. Ever since I have taught it to my students each semester as a way to summarize a semester of learning. The formula reads like this:

Q2L + S2S + S2A = GR8 COMMS

 

Translated: Quick to Listen + Slow to Speak + Slow To Anger = Great Communication
 

Q2L: Stop talking, or trying to decide what you will say next, and listen to others. Listen with your eyes, your ears, and your heart. Listen with empathy. Be in the moment.

S2S: Rushing to speak often gets us in trouble. Slow down and think about the impact your words might have on others. Choose wisely and choose to speak with compassion.

S2A: Anger overrides most other emotions. When we let anger take over, we stop listening and forget to have empathy. Recognizing our triggers and learning to stay in control can eliminate numerous relationship problems.

So that's the formula. If you are having a relationship problem, it could very well be one of these components is missing in your communication style. Focus on what you can control or change about yourself, rather than on the behavior of others. As you work to improve your own skill level, communication and interpersonal relationships will improve.